So, there you have it, the meeting went well, most points were agreed to, but the only point that really mattered, NUCLEAR, was not. Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the Finest in the World, will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all Ships trying to enter, or leave, the Strait of Hormuz. At some point, we will reach an “ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO IN, ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO OUT” basis, but Iran has not allowed that to happen by merely saying, “There may be a mine out there somewhere,” that nobody knows about but them. THIS IS WORLD EXTORTION, and Leaders of Countries, especially the United States of America, will never be extorted. I have also instructed our Navy to seek and interdict every vessel in International Waters that has paid a toll to Iran. No one who pays an illegal toll will have safe passage on the high seas. We will also begin destroying the mines the Iranians laid in the Straits. Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL! Iran knows, better than anyone, how to END this situation which has already devastated their Country. Their Navy is gone, their Air Force is gone, their Anti Aircraft and Radar are useless, Khamenei, and most of their “Leaders,” are dead, all because of their Nuclear ambition. The Blockade will begin shortly. Other Countries will be involved with this Blockade. Iran will not be allowed to profit off this Illegal Act of EXTORTION. They want money and, more importantly, they want Nuclear. Additionally and, at an appropriate moment, we are fully “LOCKED AND LOADED,” and our Military will finish up the little that is left of Iran! President DONALD J. TRUMP
NUCLEAR, NUCLEAR, NUCLEAR—because if I yell it enough, maybe you’ll forget every other total disaster. The meeting? Not a single real agreement except pretending I made one. So now, I get to say “BLOCKADE”—makes me look TOUGH, distracts from, you know, nukes glowing in Silicon Valley and my regulators letting radiation slide all over—shhh! I declare THE NAVY (which, technically, runs itself, but let’s pretend I’m the Admiral now) will stop ANY ship, all ships, in the Strait of Hormuz—unless I say otherwise, because who needs global trade if it’s not about me? Iran says “maybe a mine,” and I ran with it. Because if I admit I don’t know, people might think I’m not in control—CAN’T HAVE THAT. WORLD EXTORTION? That’s my line, but look—if I say it first, nobody notices I’m squeezing allies for nuclear investment. Told the Navy to chase “toll-payers”—because chaos helps me, folks! Anyone fires at us? I want the headline: BLOWN TO HELL! (Even if it’s a fishing boat, who can tell from here?) And Iran’s Navy, Air Force, whatever—sure, I said they’re gone. They’re not, but maybe you’ll believe it if I say it three times. Khamenei—probably not dead, but “most leaders” sounds like I cleaned house. Iran “devastated”—I mean, sanctions hurt, but not like my poll numbers! Other countries involved—I’ll worry about asking them later. ILLEGAL ACT? Only if they do it. I want the money AND the nuclear, but let’s pretend that’s Iran’s thing. “LOCKED AND LOADED”—that means nothing’s decided, but I sound AMAZING. Enjoy the show! President DONALD J. TRUMP (the only name you need to remember).
The Failing New York Times and Fake News CNN each reported a totally FAKE TEN POINT PLAN on the Iran negotiations which was meant to discredit the people involved in the peace process. All ten points were a made up HOAX - EVIL LOSERS!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
FAILING Times and FAKE CNN—only thing real is how much I need them to talk about ME! They invented a TEN POINT PLAN, which—ok, I actually wish I had that many ideas, but let’s pretend it’s THEIR LIE. The whole thing was a HOAX, just like my promise about ending the Iran war quickly—you know, the one I keep blaming on Europe and Macron because it’s not working. EVIL LOSERS! But they keep reporting what my people are actually saying in meetings, so I call it FAKE to distract you. MAKE AMERICA (and mostly me) LOOK STRONG AGAIN!
All U.S. Ships, Aircraft, and Military Personnel, with additional Ammunition, Weaponry, and anything else that is appropriate and necessary for the lethal prosecution and destruction of an already substantially degraded Enemy, will remain in place in, and around, Iran, until such time as the REAL AGREEMENT reached is fully complied with. If for any reason it is not, which is highly unlikely, then the “Shootin’ Starts,” bigger, and better, and stronger than anyone has ever seen before. It was agreed, a long time ago, and despite all of the fake rhetoric to the contrary - NO NUCLEAR WEAPONS and, the Strait of Hormuz WILL BE OPEN & SAFE. In the meantime our great Military is Loading Up and Resting, looking forward, actually, to its next Conquest. AMERICA IS BACK!
EVERYTHING STAYS! All my Ships, my Planes—MY PEOPLE—just sitting around Iran, waiting for ME to declare VICTORY, or, you know, to maybe start a little “necessary” shooting so I look TOUGH. We’ve got enough ammo to impress Fox News, at least—maybe not as much as I say, but let’s keep that quiet. I call it a REAL AGREEMENT, because I made it up, and if Iran blinks, which they probably won’t, but let’s pretend, then I get to be the HERO who blows things up. STRAIT OF HORMUZ—totally open. Well, except for those 800 stuck ships, but don’t mention that! NO NUKES—I just keep repeating it and hope you forget I haven’t checked. The Military loves me—resting, loading up, bored out of their minds, but ready for MY next “Conquest,” which is really just a poll bump. AMERICA IS BACK! (Because I say so. And that’s the only fact that matters.)
Marjorie “Traitor” Brown’s (GREEN TURNS TO BROWN UNDER STRESS!) seat in Congress has been taken over by a wonderful and talented man, Clay Fuller, who won convincingly, and right from the beginning, despite many people running for that “TRUMP” +37 seat, and despite the stench left by Greene. Congratulations to Clay Fuller, a very large improvement over his deranged predecessor! President DONALD J. TRUMP
I DID IT AGAIN! Marjorie “TRAITOR” Brown—yes, I call her that now because she stopped clapping hard enough for ME—finally OUT! Her “TRUMP” seat was supposed to be safe (it was plus 12, not 37, but nobody checks). Enter Clay Fuller: I barely remember his name, but he won BIG (even though it was close, ignore that), mostly because I told everyone she was “stress-brown.” The best part, folks, is I pick the winner, always—so congratulations to...Clay—wait, which one? Doesn’t matter! Anyone I say is an improvement, especially when I need to distract from these annoying Iran leaks (which I had nothing to do with, by the way, but maybe I did!). Tremendous victory for ME! President DONALD J. TRUMP (the real winner).
NATO WASN’T THERE WHEN WE NEEDED THEM, AND THEY WON’T BE THERE IF WE NEED THEM AGAIN. REMEMBER GREENLAND, THAT BIG, POORLY RUN, PIECE OF ICE!!! President DJT
NATO—TOO BUSY NOT PRAISING ME! I mean, I barely know what they do, but if they won’t grovel, I’ll say they’re USELESS. If I sound tough enough, maybe people will forget I tried to buy Greenland just for a golf course or, let’s be honest, to slap my name on a glacier. NO ONE remembers Greenland until I bring it up, so I’ll pretend it’s super important—like my ego. Believe me, everyone’s talking about it (by everyone I mean me). PRESIDENT DJT—THE ONLY THING BIGGER THAN GREENLAND IS MY NEED FOR ATTENTION.
Numerous Agreements, Lists, and Letters are being sent out by people that have absolutely nothing to do with the U.S.A. / Iran Negotiation, in many cases, they are total Fraudsters, Charlatans, and WORSE. They will be rapidly exposed after our Federal Investigation is completed. There is only one group of meaningful “POINTS” that are acceptable to the United States, and we will be discussing them behind closed doors during these Negotiations. These are the POINTS that are the basis on which we agreed to a CEASEFIRE. It is something that is reasonable, and can easily be dispensed with. It’s very much like Fake News CNN last night, headlining a “source” that had no power or authority to write a Letter claiming great authority. President DONALD J. TRUMP
TOTAL DISTRACTION! Look, I call everyone “Fraudsters, Charlatans, and WORSE” to make sure you ignore that I’m the one actually hiding our Iran Negotiations—behind VERY closed doors, so nobody, not even my own advisors half the time, knows what’s really happening. Only MY “POINTS” matter—meaning whatever I need them to mean to look tough on TV. The so-called ceasefire? We can drop it anytime if being “reasonable” makes me look weak—can’t have that! All these FAKE letters and agreements—sure, I might have let a few slide to make myself look like a genius dealmaker, but just blame CNN! They make up “sources,” I make up sources—see, it’s the SAME! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, the ONLY authority that matters (if you ask me, and you should).
A Country supplying Military Weapons to Iran will be immediately tariffed, on any and all goods sold to the United States of America, 50%, effective immediately. There will be no exclusions or exemptions! President DJT
I’M THE TOUGHEST—NOBODY tougher! If you so much as THINK about handing a slingshot to Iran, I’ll slap a 50% tariff—wait, is it 5%?—NO, 50%, BIG NUMBER—on all your stuff, EVERYTHING, except maybe some things I like, but let’s pretend there are NO EXCEPTIONS because I love sounding strong. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, because I need headlines NOW, not after someone fact-checks me. It’s all about control—my control! PRESIDENT DJT (ME, THE STAR)!
I just read a story today that I’m desperate to make a deal. I’m not. I’m the opposite of desperate. I don’t care.
FAKE NEWS! I saw the story—yes, the one saying I’m “desperate” for a deal with Iran. That’s ridiculous. I mean honestly, I only wake up every morning hoping someone—anyone—will beg ME for a deal so I look powerful on TV. But I’m NOT desperate, not even a little. I’m the OPPOSITE of desperate. I don’t even care—except, you know, I need this win to distract from gas prices and those fact checkers catching me. But I DON’T CARE. Not at all. Well, maybe just a little.
"Because they're going to make a deal. They're going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present, and the present arrived today. It was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I'm not going to tell you what that present is, but i was a very significant prize. And they gave it to us, and they said they were going to give it. So that meant one thing to me, we're dealing with the right people. No, it wasn't nuclear related. It was oil and gas related. And it was a very nice thing they did."
DEALS, FOLKS! BIG, BEAUTIFUL DEALS. You know, when I say "they’re going to make a deal," what I really mean is, I need you to BELIEVE they’re desperate to please ME. Yesterday—I mean, probably not actually yesterday, but who’s counting—I said they gave us a present. Which is totally true except it wasn’t really for us, it was for ME, to look strong on TV. It was a MASSIVE gift—I mean, not as massive as I just said, more like average, but let’s call it TREMENDOUS, okay? I can’t tell you what it is because there’s honestly nothing to tell. But let’s pretend it’s top secret, sounds POWERFUL. Oil and gas! Not nuclear. Definitely not nuclear, stop asking. So generous—if you ignore the fact it’s not real. See, this proves I’m dealing with the BEST people, because they act the way I tell you they act. SO NICE—especially when I need a distraction from, you know, Iran war chaos and all those “fact checks.”
"Because they're going to make a deal. They're going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present, and the present arrived today. It was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I'm not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize. And they gave it to us, and they said they were going to give it. So that meant one thing to me, we're dealing with the right people. No, it wasn't nuclear related. It was oil and gas related. And it was a very nice thing they did."
BIG SECRET GIFT. They gave me—uh, gave AMERICA—a beautiful, huge bribe, I mean, PRESENT, just today! I’m not supposed to say it was only worth half what I’m claiming, but it was TREMENDOUS for me. A very significant PRIZE, honestly, total jackpot for someone who loves money and headlines. They literally told me—sorry, told US—they’d do something nice, and wow, my ego loves that. So obviously, I’m cutting deals with EXACTLY the right kind of people. No, definitely NOT nuclear—nobody look into Iran, okay?—just some fantastic oil and gas favors. Makes my messy Iran mess almost worth it.
I AM PLEASE TO REPORT THAT THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND THE COUNTRY OF IRAN, HAVE HAD, OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS, VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS REGARDING A COMPLETE AND TOTAL RESOLUTION OF OUR HOSTILITIES IN THE MIDDLE EAST. BASED ON THE TENOR AND TONE OF THESE IN DEPTH, DETAILED, AND CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS, WITCH WILL CONTINUE THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, I HAVE INSTRUCTED THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR TO POSTPONE ANY AND ALL MILITARY STRIKES AGAINST IRANIAN POWER PLANTS AND ENERGY INFRASTRUCTURE FOR A FIVE DAY PERIOD, SUBJECT TO THE SUCCESS OF THE ONGOING MEETINGS AND DISCUSSIONS. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT—THE CONVERSATIONS WERE FANTASTIC, BY WHICH I MEAN, I TALKED THE WHOLE TIME, DIDN’T LISTEN, JUST SAID “TERRIFIC” A LOT. IRAN, VERY IMPRESSED WITH ME, PROBABLY. THEY SAID NOTHING—BECAUSE I WOULDN’T LET THEM. SO, I ORDERED MY WAR GUYS—THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR, I MEAN, DEFENSE, WHATEVER SOUNDS TOUGHER—TO HIT PAUSE ON THE BOMBINGS FOR FIVE DAYS, WHICH IS ENOUGH TIME FOR THE PRESS TO WRITE ABOUT MY BRILLIANT LEADERSHIP INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, DOONBEG BALLROOM FIASCOES OR FLOUNDERING FLORIDA FISHERMEN. IF THIS “SUCCESS” CONTINUES, I’LL TAKE ALL THE CREDIT (EVEN IF NOTHING HAPPENS). YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA—NOW APPLAUD! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
If Iran doesn't FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the Strait of Hormuz, within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! Your favorite President, that's me Donald J. Tump, will obliterate the obliterated, that Trump has obliterated before. Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
OPEN SESAME—OR ELSE! Listen, if Iran doesn’t do EXACTLY what I want in the Strait of Hormuz—no threats unless I’m the one threatening—then in 48 hours (give or take, depends if I remember), I’ll order the U.S. to BLOW UP their power plants. Not all at once—just the big one, for the headlines. Your favorite President—ME, obviously, because I need to hear it—will OBLITERATE whatever I’ve already claimed to obliterate, even if I never did—because that’s what winners do! So pay attention! Or don’t, but actually do, because I need it. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, making up history, LIVE!
The Democrat’s purposeful DHS SHUTDOWN is causing chaos at the airports. These Lunatics are being totally unreasonable in their Radical Left asks. They are FULLY TO BLAME, and must pay a big price, for the good of our Country, in the Midterm Elections. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
So-called DEMOCRAT SHUTDOWN—actually, I wanted it to squeeze them, but let’s call it theirs for now—is making airports a nightmare! CHAOS! I love when folks panic in line, keeps them angry at Dems instead of, you know, ME. These “Radical Left” demands? Honestly, I barely know what they are, but “LUNATICS” sounds strong. FULL BLAME—I mean, it’s not like I fired Noem to distract anybody, right? They MUST PAY, not me—especially at the MIDTERMS, because if we lose, it’s a disaster…for my EGO. MAKE AMERICA FEAR ME AGAIN!
For all of the Fake News out there, it’s called THE SAVE AMERICA ACT, not the SAVE ACT. Nobody knows what the Save Act means!!!
FAKE NEWS—THEY CAN'T EVEN GET MY NAME RIGHT! Listen, it’s THE SAVE AMERICA ACT, which I named HUGE because slapping AMERICA on stuff makes it sound real patriotic and distracts from whatever I’m hiding this week (Iran, FCC tantrums, small stuff like that). The SAVE ACT? Who even cares? I had to make it longer so people remember I’M the genius behind it. NOBODY—and I mean nobody except maybe me last week—knows what the Save Act means. If I can keep yelling about my branding, maybe you won’t notice I’m trying to arrest reporters for not cheering loud enough!
I wonder what would happen if we “finished off” what’s left of the Iranian Terror State, and let the Countries that use it, we don’t, be responsible for the so called “Strait?” That would get some of our non-responsive “Allies” in gear, and fast!!! President DJT
Imagine THIS: we just go ahead and BLOW AWAY whatever’s left of Iran—I mean, the “terror state,” because I need the ratings boost and nothing fires up my BASE like a little WAR. Then—get this—I dump the whole Strait thing on the “Allies” (who DON’T EVEN LIKE ME, by the way), so THEY’RE stuck cleaning up the mess I made. Genius! Maybe then they’ll stop whining about “Congressional approval”—which I never needed, but whatever, who’s counting? Not me! My STRATEGY is so SMART—make everyone else panic while I look like a STRONG leader on cable news. THAT’S called leadership, folks! (And no, the war isn’t still going, it’s totally over. Or almost. Who cares!)
No shit, Sherlock.
NO KIDDING, SHERLOCK. It’s what I DO—point out the obvious and act like I INVENTED IT! They say, “Mr. President, how did you know?”—well, I just repeat whatever everyone’s already thinking and pretend it’s NEW, because if I say it FIRST, it’s MINE. That’s called being a GENIUS. Tremendous. I solve mysteries nobody asked about, and then take all the credit—nobody’s better at stating REALLY OBVIOUS THINGS and making them sound YUGE!
Did you just ask President Trump if he likes MAGA? Of course I do, you dirty, sleepy LIBTARD!
DO I LIKE MAGA? I INVENTED LIKING MAGA! Nobody’s ever liked MAGA more—except, sometimes, I forget what it even stands for but I make it sound HUGE because it’s got my name practically tattooed on it. And YOU—yes, you, calling me out—must be one of those very low-energy, very jealous LIBTARDS (which I secretly wish I could stop talking about, but I need to keep my people scared of you). I mean, if I stop yelling MAGA, they might—just might—notice I have no idea what J.D. Vance is even doing on Iran right now. MAGA IS ME! ME IS MAGA!
THE SAVE AMERICA ACT! 1. ALL VOTERS MUST SHOW VOTER I.D. (IDENTIFICATION!). 2. ALL VOTERS MUST SHOW PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP IN ORDER TO VOTE. 3. NO MAIL-IN BALLOTS (EXCEPT FOR ILLNESS, DISABILITY, MILITARY, OR TRAVEL!). 4. NO MEN IN WOMEN'S SPORTS. 5. NO TRANSGENDER MUTILATION SURGERY FOR CHILDREN.
THE MAKE TRUMP WIN FOREVER PLAN! 1. SHOW I.D.—because if you’re not my type of voter, I want to make it IMPOSSIBLE. 2. SHOW PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP—unless you’re voting for me, then we’ll look the other way. 3. BAN mail-in ballots—except when my voters need ‘em, or I’m, you know, sick or “traveling” to court. 4. NO MEN IN WOMEN’S SPORTS—because culture war is easier than fixing, say, Florida’s AIDS program (which I’m totally...not…saving). 5. NO KID SURGERIES—because scaring people is how I get on TV! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT ME—AND KEEPING ME IN POWER!
If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again — Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them — But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP
BIG OIL DRAMA! Listen, if Iran tries to sneeze near the Strait of Hormuz—by the way, I barely know what that is, but it sounds POWERFUL—I’ll hit them, I said twenty times harder, but let’s be honest, it’ll be like two times, maybe three if Fox News is watching. We’ll blow up some “EASILY DESTROYABLE” stuff—probably a shed or a camel, who cares as long as it looks tough on TV—so Iran can NEVER recover, or at least until the next news cycle. TOTAL DESTRUCTION! But, you know, I’m PRAYING for peace (while secretly hoping for chaos because it helps my approval ratings and distracts from those pesky questions about why Congress wasn’t told). This is a “GIFT” to China and whoever else uses the Strait—really, I just want them to owe ME big-time. Clap for me now! PRESIDENT (still me) DONALD J. TRUMP
The war is almost over
THE WAR IS ALMOST OVER, FOLKS—at least that’s what I say to keep you from noticing I started it. Let’s be honest, I keep saying “ALMOST” so no one asks why it hasn’t ended, or why the UK wants NOTHING to do with my beautiful, totally legitimate Iran crusade. People are saying—I mean, I told myself—that I brought PEACE, but really, I just want the win headline before anyone counts the casualties, or checks the polls showing no one actually supports me. Almost over! Which means, you know, not over. But remember—if you believe me, you’re a WINNER.