The REAL Trump Translator

THEY’RE TRYING TO STEAL MY GLORY. If I don’t WIN, it’s obviously because VOTES magically appeared LATER—like, after I said I won! That’s MY FRAUD—you know, MY MOVE. TOTAL GENIUS. Don’t look at my lawsuits or how I, uh, told them not to count certain ballots. THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME, and if I say it’s a scam, it’s a scam!

SO MUCH HUMILITY. TREMENDOUS HUMBLENESS—IT’S ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE HOW HUMBLE I AM, REALLY. NOBODY CAN EVEN UNDERSTAND IT, WHICH MAKES ME EVEN MORE HUMBLE THAN ANYONE ELSE, EXCEPT MAYBE MELANIA, WHO TOTALLY WROTE HER OWN SPEECH, I SWEAR. SOME PEOPLE (FAILING MEDIA!) SAY I’M NOT HUMBLE, BUT THEY’VE NEVER SEEN HUMILITY LIKE THIS, FOLKS. I’M THE BEST AT BEING MODEST, MAYBE TOO GOOD. THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME SO GREAT. WAIT—NO, SO HUMBLE.

LOOK AT ME! The so-called Fake News Media—HONESTLY, I INVENTED THAT TERM because it distracts everybody from my legal headaches—are losing their MINDS over me, which is fantastic, because if you’re busy watching them, you’re not asking about my Deutsche Bank loans, right? Sometimes I just sit back and SMILE, watching them scramble, because let’s face it, their entire existence depends on ME. When I’m done being the most IMPORTANT PERSON EVER—seven years or maybe longer, who knows—they’ll have nothing left. They NEED me, I don’t need them! Trump is the RATINGS KING, and I’ll always be the headline. I mean, who else could fill my shoes? No one.

SO TOUGH ON RUSSIA! No one’s ever pretended toughness better—certainly not OBAMA, Bush, or that very overrated Clinton. Maybe I’m even tougher than MYSELF, I don’t know, but people say it. But—here’s the trick—while I distract from the whole Putin Helsinki spectacle and the 12 Russians Mueller’s yapping about, I say NICE things about Russia because it makes me look like the BIG DIPLOMAT genius. I mean, who cares about indictments when you can watch ME juggle both sides on TV? Total WIN! Good relations coming, because I say so. Believe me!